02-17-2015 I Will Be A Conqueror, Not a Survivor!

As the bi-monthly infusions of clinical trail is stabling my medical condition, I got my mental health to get fitted.  So I decided to seek professional counselor to validate my feelings and emotions. 

During the first session, when the counselor first asked about my personal history "why are you seeking counseling? "
 
"I have recently been diagnosed of lung cancer, late stage" l answered. 

"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that" the counselor replied. 

"Do you have any other issues you wanted to talk about?" the counselor asked as she was typing out notes.

"I had ovarian cancer 3 years ago with hysterectomy and blood clots, I answered again. "Oh, mine, I am so sorry" the counselor seemed disbelief. 

"In 1994, I experienced infertility with endometriosis surgery and a failed adoption" I said it nonchalantly.

"Wow, you really have gone thru a lot, I am really sorry" the counselor glanced at me with a surprise look.

"Please stop, I don't like it when you pity me. I don't like people to feel sorry for me!" That was end of my first session.

My next session started on the wrong foot with a new male counselor, he would asked? "How do you feel?"

" I feel okay." I shrugged my shoulder.

"Okay is not a feeling, how do you feel?"
 
"I feel fine, beside the fact that I have cancer twice" I replied
 
"That's what you think, tell me how do you feel" the counselor urged me.

It was like this back and forth...I wanted to walk out of the session, but I have paid good money for this...dilemma! 

Then, I finally realized that I was denying myself to FEEL, get in touch with ME.  I didn't want people think I was WEAK and my family to WORRY.  I want to put up a happy and strong front.

At the third session, I was able to express my own feelings and fear: "I feel SAD about the situation I am in. I am REGRETFUL that I didn't take better care of my health yet BLISSFUL that I have support from families and friends".

I also confronted "cancer" face on. I told  "c" that I've beat "it" once and I will beat it again. I want "c" to get out of my life.

I feel so relieved and refreshed after this confrontation. Whenever I feel sad, I would call "c" names from A to F (I couldn't think of bad names after F).

It felt so good! I will be a "c" conqueror, not a survivor!

02-05-2015 Yellow Light Zone

I apologize for my silence lately. I have been doing a mental tune-up.

Thanks to all your prayers and support, everything seems to be going WELL for me. The clinical trail of immunology therapy is stabilizing my health condition (the verdict is April 2) .  Our foster daughter, Dena is waiting to get her Chinese passport approved within a month and we will then process her U.S. visa to visit us.

With everything going smoothly, I should be jumping for joy, right? I am hesitating...I'm adapting to live in "YELLOW light" zone. My nurse-in-charge urged me to "go back to live a normal life".

What's normal life for Jamie? What I thought was "normal" was work hard like everyone else, and try not to disappoint your families and friends. This "do it all" mentality has nailed me to the cancer zone not once but twice already.

So this time, I isolated myself in this bubble mansion to feel "save" and "loved".

My friends told me to focus on healing first, so I can continue to do things I wanted. But deep inside, I know I would never return to my old lifestyle again. I will always have this "red light" flashing at me even at dark corners of my life.

Oh, how I envy those of you still can run freely in the GREEN light zone! Even though our lives will eventually hit Red light someday.  Take it from me, it's a blessing not knowing when you or your loved will hit "RED".

So, just keep living.